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RecycleMichael
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« on: September 11, 2008, 07:34:35 pm » |
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"And how are you going to be the vice president of the United States with five kids to take care of? She's got a four-month-old of her own, she's about to become a grandmother, and she's partnered with John McCain. How many diapers can one woman possibly change?" --Jimmy Kimmel
"How many of you folks saw that last night, the Vice President, Republican Sarah Palin? Whoa, man, I like that Sarah Palin – looks like the weekend anchor on Channel 9. She looks like the hygienist who makes you feel guilty about not flossing. She looks like the relieved mom in a Tide commercial." --David Letterman
"She said at her church, Governor Palin, said she asked everyone to pray for a natural gas pipeline, which she said was God's will. And today, God said, 'Hey lady, I don't deal with oil companies. That's more Satan's area.'" --Jay Leno
"I guess there are some problems with Palin, though. Have you heard about this 'Troopergate' scandal? Palin allegedly…used her power as governor to pressure officials to fire her former brother-in-law from his state trooper job. Now, maybe I'm wrong, but wasn’t that an episode of 'Dukes of Hazzard?'" --Jay Leno
"Speaking of Sarah Palin, she said she's a life-long member of the National Rifle Association. Which may explain why she's in favor of shotgun weddings." --Conan O'Brien
"Oh, and all those Internet photos of Sarah Palin in a bikini holding a gun. But they are all photoshopped. Like those photos of Bill and Hillary dancing, all fake." --Jay Leno
"You know, Sarah Palin, John McCain selected her to be the vice presidential running mate on the Republican ticket, and she's also the governor of Alaska, and outdoors, like the outdoors, likes assault rifles, has a collection of rifles, likes to shoot assault rifles. I'll say this for her daughter's boyfriend: the kid's got guts." --David Letterman
"Governor Sarah Palin gave her speech tonight at the GOP Convention, and it gave people who didn't know anything about her the chance to finally meet her, you know, like John McCain." --Jay Leno
"The Republican Convention is under way. The theme for tonight's Republican Convention is, 'Who is John McCain?' Tomorrow night's theme is, 'Who forgot to check if the Vice President's daughter is pregnant?'" --Conan O'Brien
"It's true, John McCain's running mate, Alaska Governor Sarah Palin, has revealed that her 17-year-old daughter is pregnant. Palin said, 'We should never have introduced her to John Edwards.'" --Conan O'Brien
"Let me ask you a question: is it just me, or does Sarah Palin look like a model for LensCrafters?" --David Letterman
"Hey, the Republican Convention is still going wild in scenic St. Paul, Minnesota right now. Alaska Governor and Vice Presidential nominee Sarah Palin was the star speaker tonight. A lot of excitement. She promised a walrus in every igloo and a whale tooth in every papoose." --Jimmy Kimmel
"By the way, here's good news, ladies and gentlemen: the Palin family crisis that we were talking about on Sunday and Monday, that has been solved now, and, today, the baby is being adopted by Angelina Jolie." --David Letterman
"And you've got to love this: Sarah Palin is an avid hunter. An avid hunter. A vice president who likes guns? Well, what could go wrong there?" --David Letterman
"It was an unplanned pregnancy, but the Palins say their daughter will marry the young man. He's a fellow high school student of hers. His name is Levi Johnston. They even found his MySpace page, which they pulled down immediately, but before they did we found out that he's a 'f***ing redneck,' is what he said, and another quote from him, 'I don't want kids.' Remember when the Republicans compared Barack Obama to Britney Spears? Now they've got their their own Jamie Lynn." --Jimmy Kimmel
"Some people are saying that McCain picked Sarah Palin to appeal to women who supported Hillary Clinton. This is crazy. You can't just replace Hillary Clinton with another woman. Bill tried that, it didn't work out." --Craig Ferguson
"Are you kidding me, the mayor of Wasilla, Alaska? Yeah, that's who you want in the White House during a time of crisis. When she got a phone call at 3 in the morning, it was because a moose had gotten in the garbage can." –Bill Maher
"When they were vetting her for this job, like three seconds ago, she said, quote, I'm not making this up, 'What is it exactly that the VP does every day?' Let me field that for you, Sarah. They start wars, they enrich their friends, they subvert the Constitution, and they shoot people in the face. That's what the vice president does." –Bill Maher
"Did you see Sarah Palin standing next to McCain at the podium the other day when he introduced her? Didn't it look like one of those commercials where the daughter is trying to find a nice home to put Dad in? 'We'd like someplace quiet.'" --Jay Leno
"Most of the gossip this week is centered around Sarah Palin, McCain's controversial choice for vice president. Some question whether a mother of five who's only been running the state of Alaska for two years is the right person to fill out a ticket fronted by a 175-year-old man, and it's especially strange considering the emphasis that Senator McCain has put on national-security experience. Three years ago, Sarah Palin was the mayor of a town with 9,000 people in it. Nevermind national security, they barely have mall security in a town of that size." --Jimmy Kimmel
"Here's the amazing part: back in 1984, Sarah Palin actually came second in the Miss Alaska beauty pageant. Now she could be vice president. You know what that means? For the first time in history, a beauty pageant contestant might actually bring about world peace. They've talked about it for years; here's one that could do it!" --Jay Leno
"But Cindy McCain, for one, points out that the governor, Palin, does in fact have some national-security experience [Video: Cindy McCain pointing out that Alaska is close to Russia]. Right, she's so close she can walk right up there and watch them like a neighborhood-watch captain or something." --Jimmy Kimmel
"Also, it's now come out that Palin's 17-year-old daughter is five months pregnant. McCain claims he knew that when he picked her, but, I don't know, this whole thing, it just seems too much like the 'Maury Povich Show' to have been planned. At this point, I'm not sure I trust McCain to pick a fantasy-football team, to be honest with you." --Jimmy Kimmel
"Well there's a lot of controversy about it. Apparently she told McCain about this weeks ago, but what happened was, I guess she said it into his bad ear. So he didn't realize." --Jay Leno
"But, despite that, Republicans think she's a pretty good running mate for McCain. They feel she can bring in women voters, she's got a good conservative voting record, and she doesn't mind eating dinner at 4:30, and that's important." --Jay Leno
"All in all, this was a great first day for the convention, but, of course, the media did their best to try to ruin it by callously revealing a private matter in the Palin family, namely that Governor Sarah Palin's eldest daughter is named Bristol. Have you no shame, media? That's nobody's business. That is a private pain, meant to be kept between Bristol, and Track, and Willow, and Piper, and Trig Paxon, and let's say Snackchip and Toejam." --Stephen Colbert
"She's not bad looking. She looks like one of those women in the Van Halen videos who takes off her glasses, shakes out her hair, and then all of a sudden, she's in high heels and a bikini. All of a sudden, I am FOR drilling in Alaska." --Jimmy Kimmel
"Not only is she young, they're saying she's the prettiest candidate for Vice President since John Edwards." --Jimmy Kimmel
"There was also some breaking news out of Dayton, Ohio, today where this morning Republican presidential candidate John McCain introduced the world to his third wife — actually, no, I'm sorry, that's his running mate Sarah Palin, the freshman governor of Alaska, and star and producer of Emmy-winning 30 Rock. No, I apologize, the star of the Emmy-winning Will & Grace. No, no, I'm sorry, it's actually the mild-mannered and troubled librarian from every Cinemax movie." --Jon Stewart
"Alaska Gov. Sarah Pallin is John McCain's choice. Here's what we know about her: her name is Sarah Palin." --Jay Leno
"Actually, it was kind of a smart choice. McCain went with a woman because he didn't want to have to be in a position to have to get CPR from Mitt Romney." –Jay Leno
"Palin and McCain are a good pair. She's pro-life and he's clinging to life." –Jay Leno
"Today President Bush called Gov. Palin and congratulated her. Bush told Palin the job of vice president is very important because as vice president, you get to tell the president what to do." –Jay Leno
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