Jello Wrestling & Porno At The NSF

[Conan71]

Coburn report documents waste, improper behavior at National Science Foundation

WASHINGTON — The federal agency in charge of funding scientific research spent $80,000 on a study about why the same teams dominate the college basketball tournament, while staff members spent taxpayer money on romantic trips and held a Jell-O wrestling event at the South Pole, according to a report released Thursday by Sen. Tom Coburn.

The report also accuses the National Science Foundation of sitting on $1.7 billion in expired grant money and of not properly policing grants recipients.

"There is no question (the National Science Foundation) serves an important — and legitimate — purpose in our society and has contributed to scientific discovery,'' Coburn said, noting that foundation funding had contributed to many recent technological advances.

"Unfortunately, in some ways, NSF has undermined its core mission through mismanagement and misplaced priorities."

Your tax dollars Our insane national debt at work:

...._ An $80,000 study at Duke University on why the same teams always dominate March Madness.
_ A $315,000 study at Michigan State University about how playing FarmVille on Facebook helps adults develop and maintain relationships.
_ A $1 million study on trendy baby names at Indiana University and New York University.
_ Grant money totaling $1.4 million for a Carnegie Mellon University study of regional slang on Twitter.
_ A $581,000 at the University of California at Berkeley on racial preferences in online dating.



Read more: http://newsok.com/coburn-report-documents-waste-improper-behavior-at-national-science-foundation/article/3571534#ixzz1NTaABlxb

[Townsend]

Given the opportunity to hold a jell-o wrestling tournament at the South pole, would I?

Yes, yes I would.

[nathanm]

pancakes? Is Coburn claiming that when we send people to the south pole for several months they get zero leisure time? By his Jello wrestling standard, should I be upset that people are having sexy time at the south pole (whether with themselves or others) I really don't have a problem with people taking advantage of money that's already being spent. (if, for example, the government is spending some money sending someone to Paris and that person pays to bring along their spouse and stays a few extra days on their own dime)

And the regional slang thing is actually a relatively big part of the field of linguistics. I'm not quite sure why they needed $1.4 million for a study on that, though.

The headline I get here is: "Coburn says 'Government owns its employees' -- Also wastes government time and money on small problems"

[Hoss]

Given the opportunity to hold a jell-o wrestling tournament at the South pole, would I?

Yes, yes I would.

Hmm...I think of South Pole and Jell-o I think of that movie "Whiteout" with Kate Beckinsale.

That is all...

[Conan71]

I'm mainly pissed off I have absolutely no idea how to game the government into paying me hundreds of thousands for studies on March Madness and Farmville.

I'm not getting mine, damnit!

[Gaspar]

I'm mainly pissed off I have absolutely no idea how to game the government into paying me hundreds of thousands for studies on March Madness and Farmville.

I'm not getting mine, damnit!

It's easy!  You can actually take a grant writing class online.

The best way is to get a copy of an existing grant for something stupid and then use search/replace to insert your absurd cause/study/initiative.  Add a little funny math that supports your need for funds and you're almost done!

Be sure to read your grant closely.  You can improve your chances of blind funding by making sure certain words are present.  For example. . . if your grant is educational in nature, you have to use the term "Enrichment" several times when explaining how your program will impact the children.  If your grant deals with energy, make sure to insert the term "Alternative" several hundred times.  Doesn't really matter where.  If you are dealing with healthcare in your grab for cash use the term "Compassionate" as often as possible.

Make sure to structure the explanation of how your organization (you and FMC) will spend the money in a detailed technical manner that avoids any real questions, and tie any denial of the grant to a reduction in employment in your state (for you and FMC of course).

Now this is very important.  Peruse your state representative or congressperson's website and find an initiative they are partial to and make sure to tie your grant somehow to the success of that initiative.  This will buy you a warrior for your cause.  For instance, you could visit Tom Coburn's website and structure your grant around a study to develop methods to root out and eliminate government waste.  When you get your grant check your first duty will be to identify the very government waste you pledge to "root out."  The best way to do this, of course, is by engaging in that very activitiy (it's the only way to really gain an understanding).  You will then need to purchase some gelatin on a grand scale. . .well you get my point!

[Conan71]

I hit on "Alternative".  I figured I could do a study on alternative fuels use amongst those living an alternative lifestyle.  Got to be enough alternatives in there to get some money, except Coburn couldn't lend support to it since he's a C-Streeter 'n stuff.

[Gaspar]

I think my favorite is $1.5 billion for a Carbon Capturing Contest from the last stimulus.

I am sure we could work up something like this. . . 

We could host the contest at the BOK and offer $1 million in prize money.  Everyone could bring their boxes of carbon and whoever had captured the most would walk away with the cash.  We would then use the rest to pay off the expenses of the contest and purchase Jello.

[Gaspar]

BTW, did they ever find the radioactive rabbit droppings at the Hanford nuclear reservation?

[nathanm]

I think my favorite is $1.5 billion for a Carbon Capturing Contest from the last stimulus.

I am sure we could work up something like this. . . 

We could host the contest at the BOK and offer $1 million in prize money.  Everyone could bring their boxes of carbon and whoever had captured the most would walk away with the cash.  We would then use the rest to pay off the expenses of the contest and purchase Jello.

I hope you're joking, because if not that is FOTD-level stupid.

You heard of the X-Prize? Are you aware that one of the promising technologies that will allow us to stop acidifying our oceans without serious infrastructure changes involves sequestering the carbon dioxide leaving the smokestacks of power plants, similar to how we got acid rain under control with sulfur dioxide scrubbers? Since we apparently can't trust the free market to do its thing by assigning a cost to pollution (in the form of carbon credits), we've gotta go for the "here's a prize for coming up with the best way to do this."

Funny how you are against free market solutions whenever it suits your whim, but are constantly OMGSOCIALIZZZM!!!@#$@#$ when the winds blow the other way.

[Gaspar]

I hope you're joking, because if not that is FOTD-level stupid.

Well that's not very nice!

. . .and I am joking.  I find most government attempts at achieving free market solutions funny.  Don't you?

[nathanm]

. . .and I am joking.  I find most government attempts at achieving free market solutions funny.  Don't you?

Somebody has to make the price of a good or service take into account things like pollution. If it can't be done without government forcing the issue, so be it. Think of government as a market maker, like some broker-dealers have to be with "their" securities on Wall Street.

[Gaspar]

Think of government as a market maker, like some broker-dealers have to be with "their" securities on Wall Street.

Always presented that way, never works that way.  

When private enterprise bands together to spur technology, efficiency and new market solutions it works (as in your example of the X-Prize).  When government does it, it always degrades into bloodbath of waste, bureaucracy, and undeserved handouts.

NOW TELL TEATOWN YOU'RE SORRY!

[Teatownclown]

This stuff can be expected from Gassious, but our posts, Nate, generally are all in the same vein.

No apology needed. I understand the dynamics of wanting to be "accepted."

[nathanm]

Always presented that way, never works that way.  

When private enterprise bands together to spur technology, efficiency and new market solutions it works (as in your example of the X-Prize).  When government does it, it always degrades into bloodbath of waste, bureaucracy, and undeserved handouts.

That's ideology talking. There are plenty of examples of government spurring private enterprise to good things. Increased CAFE standards did the trick for a long time, until automakers figured out how to game the system. NASA's various challenges have resulted in the development of several useful new technologies. The sulfur dioxide cap and trade scheme all but eliminated acid rain, without a mandate of a specific technology to reduce those particular emissions.

Many countries around the world have been subsidizing renewable energy quite heavily for the past decade or so and we've seen an explosion in new solar cell and wind turbine technologies as a result.

If you believe government can do no right, you will only see it do wrong. Similarly, if you believe government can do no right and you're in charge of government, it will only work poorly. Private companies with shitty leadership have the same fate befall them all the time.