Tonight on Beat the Press

[Ed W]

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BARACK OBAMA, PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES: This is my last election. And after my election, I have more flexibility.

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MODERATOR: Joining us in the studio tonight are Republican candidates Rick Santorum and Newt Gingrich, with Mitt Romney on our video link.  First, Mr. Gingrich, what do you think the President meant by saying he'd have more flexibility?

GINGRICH: Frankly, I was appalled.  It's a clear indication that he intends to sell us out militarily to the Russians.

SANTORUM: (interrupting) Bull sh%t!  He's going to raise taxes and force us to watch man-on-dog porn over the internet.

ROMNEY: When I was governor, I knew a man with an enormous mustache.

MODERATOR: Gentlemen, the remark was directed at Dmitry Medvedev, the Russian President, so does it have implications for our foreign policy?  Mr. Santorum?

SANTORUM: Ball shot!  Obama and those godless communists are planning to deliver the all the perversity of Greco-Roman wrestling directly into our living rooms, disguised as the summer Olympics!  Large, sweaty men in tights rubbing against each other in a contest to dominate and humiliate the entire Western world!  And right in front of our children!

GINGRICH: It's obvious that President Obama wants to drive American further left into moral ambiguity, something that I fundamentally oppose.  As a life-long Republican, I've always stood for the morality and decency of ordinary Americans, unlike those socialists on the left.

ROMNEY: I met this Russian guy while I was governor, and I think he was a wrestler.  Anyway, he had this gigantic mustache, sorta like Geraldo Rivera's but huger.

MODERATOR: Gentlemen, for the sake of our sanity and the American republic, we're going to drop the three of you onto a tropical island for two weeks before the Republican convention.  Think of it as the GOP version of "Survivor."  Do you have any last comments?  Mr. Romney?

ROMNEY: I just want to say that while I was governor, I never had anything to do with health care.  Never heard of it.  And if I'm elected, I'll see to it that health insurance covers mustaches, or not.  Whatever.

GINGRICH: I'll not only survive two weeks on a tropical island, I'll thrive!  Grass skirts, stone knives, and cannibalism?  I was Speaker, for crying out loud.  This is gonna be EASY!

SANTORUM: Walruses!  Walruses with giant erections!  Tattooed Russians!  Honey, I'm home!