Dealing with cancer...

[HoneySuckle]

Has anyone had to deal with a loved one's cancer?

My sister's cancer returned after being in remission for less than a year.  This time around it's much harder on her.  

I've been told that we're in for quite a ride and it's going to get very HARD nearing the end.  How did you deal with it?  What helped you survive the ordeal?  I know they say we need to take care of US first, or we won't be able to help anyone else...

Some of the things I plan for myself are: gym time, massage, facial, pedicure and manicure, movies, talking to friends and trying to get out of town for a weekend in between.  I hope to find the time to do one of the above every week (gym three times at least per week), to survive the stress.

[moosedaddy]

My mom is undergoing treatment for stage 3 breast cancer at MD Anderson cancer center in Houston.  Currently the doctor has given her 3 years to live, which is an improvement 3 months ago before treatment she was told without treatment she had about 3 weeks.

[Ed W]

I read Armstrong's book "It's Not About The Bike" and immediately thought of his foundation:

http://www.livestrong.org/site/c.khLXK1PxHmF/b.2662945/k.CD44/Learn_About_Cancer.htm

The link goes to a page regarding support.  

I can't imagine what you're going through.  Perhaps it's a blessing that our minds cannot stretch enough to embrace the enormity of that experience.  Words are simply inadequate.

Ed

[In_Tulsa]

I lost my dad to cancer 6 years ago. The only thing I can tell you is to spend as much time with you're sister as you can. You can take care of yourself later. Because once she is gone she's gone. Good luck I will pray for your family.

[HoneySuckle]

Why is this messing up?


I had posted a long reply to those of you who answered before, and it disappeared!  Once I came back to retype, the post messed up again, hence my question above.

Anyway, thanks all for sharing and pointing out things to me that I might not have seen i.e. this is now, and they are here, so be there for them (my sister and mother).  It's hard though.

[USRufnex]

So, what age group is your sister?  Younger or older?  

I ended up moving to the Tulsa area from Chicago for about a year to stay with my grandfather (being an okie and the firstborn of a firstborn means my grandpa was the age of many people's parents).  The doctors told him and my family that he had a few weeks, possibly months, left to live due to the progression of his prostate cancer.

My grandfather had already cared for his wife a decade earlier when she passed away from breast cancer, so he opted against chemotherapy.  Quality over quantity sounded good to him at the time.  I hesitate to use the term "caretaker" for myself since it was a slower progression than what was anticipated.  Not to mention that he was very independent minded and stubborn... not unlike his grandson... []

In my case, especially since I still had to work a full-time job while in Tulsa, "WE" time became very important.  In the beginning when he was relatively healthy, we'd take day trips to Bartlesville or Grove, etc... he'd drive to church on Sundays or have me drive with him to help out with his church's food bank... he'd also make it a point to make us coffee in the morning and walk the 50 yards from his rural house to the street to check his mail and get the daily newspaper.  He'd spend most of the weekdays alone so when I got home from work, I usually got an earfull... he'd tell me how he saw on tv that "Chicago is the most racist city in America" to which I would answer, "Really? When did it pass Tulsa?"...

Yep.  Good times.

Then, the "we" times became small personal victories... when my grandfather became too frail to walk all the way to his mailbox, he started walking out to the garage to get his riding lawnmower to check his mail and get his morning paper... he did this for weeks... on one of his "good" days, we'd drive miles up the road to Vinita to get a sausage biscuit and hash browns for ONE DOLLAR at McDonald's (don't ask... it's a depression-era generational thing)...

When his nausea started to get progressively worse, I had to stop making his favorite greasy fried potatos at his request and replaced it with a salad topped with that orange-colored French dressing (the only salad dressing I ever saw him eat).... his appetite was getting worse and worse, nothing tasted good, and he had medication that required "a full glass of water" or to be taken "after a full meal"... then he tried Catalina dressing and was able to eat.... weeks later, nothing I cooked tasted good anymore until my brother in-law bought him some greasy Braum's hamburgers... he ate 'em.  At the end, he requested some baked beans....

Sorry to be longwinded... it IS important to take care of yourself, especially if you have your own illness to deal with.  Luckily I had family and some of his church members who gave me a break from time to time... I went out to eat, drink, movie, etc... even my grandfather would insist I get out and that he'd be okay tonight.  But I guess most all my own  needs/wants paled in importance and were ultimately not as personally satisfying because it was just me taking care of me.  

I think some of us (not all) get into a certain position caring for a family member and develop a "blind spot" when it comes to our own personal needs... but there were small things and simple victories that I learned to appreciate that all of us take for granted... and that made up for most all the "sacrifice" on my part...
 

[HoneySuckle]

OMG!!  What an amazing post.  Thank you so much for sharing that story.  I could almost picture your grandpa.  He sounded so much like my dad who was also stubborn to the end.  

I guess the reason I am feeling so overwhelmed is that my mother also has cancer.  She is 73 and has stage 4 breast cancer which has spread to her bones and possibly lungs.  She was recently diagnosed, so this is still new.  My father died in 2005, and mother does not drive.

My sister is 44.  I went to see her today and she didn't look too good, yet she still thinks she will walk out of the hospital soon.  The nurse said that she does not believe my sister realises that her treatment at this point is what they do for those who won't make it....
I suppose it is good that she still has a fight in her and hasn't entertained the thought of death, but we have no idea what her wishes are if she does pass away.  I can't bring it up with her until she accepts that she will die from this cancer.  Her oncologist had told her last year that sooner or later, the cancer will kill her yet she refuses to accept this.  

Mother is quite upset about her daughter of course which is coming at a bad time seeing that she is now dealing with her own diagnosis.  

Maybe everyone will now understand why I need some way to manage my stress...my cup runneth over at the moment[]

[Conan71]

This is very sad news, and I'm sure a major stress in your life.  

Hospice is a big help to a lot of families.  It's good for the patient and they do have social workers and bereavement counselors who can help the family immensely.  They also have volunteers who will sit with a patient, do yard work, grocery shopping, run errands, etc.  It's only available to those who have a diagnosis of six months or less left to live, though.  The hard part is recognizing that it puts a "period" on someone's life.

If she is down to the point of "palliative" treatment for the cancer as you say, then it might be appropriate to ask her doctor about it.  To some people, contacting a hospice is throwing in the towel.  Sometimes it's the family who is reluctant, sometimes the patient, and even sometimes the physician who may view it as a personal failure.

I admit I'm a little biased toward hospice since my wife works in that business.  I hear stories every day about families who were so grateful to have the extra help they can provide and the compassion they showed the patient.  As well, hospices generally will assume the cost of the treatment necessary for the palliative care with no out-of-pocket for the patient either via their own insurance or via medicare.

Something worth looking into, though it sounds like your sister is not yet facing the reality.